Two become one?

Love is a marvelous thing.  I respect what love gives for life in that without it, life is just a mere living cell.  I will never underestimate what love can do.  It pushes you afar for what you can never imagine you could live through.  However, I did what was appropriate for what my blind eyes could possibly see.  It didn’t help as one could imagine.  Without enough love and strong bonding, you could scarify nothing more than what you allocate until you hit your buffer bottom line.  And that’s it.

Marriage deals with more than love and relationship.  What about legal bonding in financial issues now and forever which are essentially what we have to struggle to make enough for a living and also saving for the future.  The level of trust you have to commit on the other person in your life has to be enough to take risk together.  This is beyond my imagination.  May be it is because what I have lived through all these lonely years has taught me enough of how to live by myself, and also my saving that is just only for me.  When there is another person, it becomes an excessive element.  Something that is very difficult to cope with because what I have been prepared was never enough for an additional life to share.  Sound selfish, right?

For a woman like me, sharing a life with another person, of course, there is a trade-off.  I will have to accept that.  Nothing comes free.  Having another person in life is expected to have a better whole than a sum of two people.  It sounds over expectation?  A woman expects a man to stabilize her life with maximum benefit.  A man, I suppose, expects a woman to balance out his imperfection at minimum cost.  Are these aspects agreed?  What are we dealing with seems senseless.  

At least mentally support is expected by a woman.  But again, excuse me, a mere lips service would NOT help.  Acting as if I am the luckiest woman in the world is clueless and insensible.  The comfort level of being with another person on what we have to share must be enough to push thing forward or stay backward sometimes.  I doubt if I had that much.  Problems are multiplied when there is money issue.  Small things are magnified because we don’t have many choices.

I got married late and of course my husband was married before with a kid he has to be fully responsible for.  It is very understandable that his priority as a father is his baby now that he cannot do well on the role of a husband when there are many problems arisen at the same time.  Where is the bonding to push us through this difficult time?  People are selfish and it shows and is magnified when there is problem. How can we pass the test of time and problems?  The problems are too early before enough bonding evolves. 

Compatibility or complimentary counts here?

All I can see in the future is problem and I miss my life when I was single.

Where is love?

I still believe in God even though this seems to be a punishment or a blessing in chaos disguise.   What tomorrow brings I will never know.  What I realize now is that marriage does not bring along stability and I can’t even out anyone’s imperfection with the least cost because I am not cheap.  I am not able to bare any extra responsibility in this kind of situation when I have to work day in day out while doing my Ph.D.  I am not for a life like that. And excuse me when I say “dancing is better than sex”.  Sorry!